Separation and divorce can increase the likelihood of violence in the home, even in families where it has not occurred in the past. For women and children leaving an abusive home, the period after separation is often a time when the violence escalates. It is important for victims to find a safe place to stay and to develop a comprehensive plan to help them remain out of danger. A shelter for abused women can help you during this transition period.
For children and youth, violence in the family often has a traumatic effect, causing their behaviorr to change. It is typical for them to be afraid, upset and angry. Even if they seem to be coping well, your children need extra attention and care.
Regardless of their age, children from violent homes are at an increased risk of behavioral and developmental problems. They often suffer from anxiety and depression, and they may exhibit more aggressive, antisocial, inhibited or fearful behaviors. Even if they have not been assaulted themselves, children who are exposed to violence are emotionally abused. They experience similar symptoms to those children who are themselves physically abused.
Children who witness violence in the home often have a persistent fear for their own safety and the safety of brothers, sisters and the battered parent. They may also blame themselves for not being able to stop the violence (for example, by behaving better). For these children, feelings of self-blame, guilt, anger and fears about being different from other children may be more acute. They need help to understand that they did not cause the violence and could not have stopped it. They need to know that it is okay for them to feel angry and sad about losses that have resulted from the violence. There are several things you can do to help your children deal with family violence:
- assure them that you love them;
- tell them as much as you can without name calling;
- listen to their feelings, assure them that these feelings are okay, and share some of your own feelings;
- don’t be afraid to set limits in a firm, loving manner;
- take a little time every day to have some fun with them;
- encourage them to have friends and activities as soon as you resettle;
- let them be dependent — they need to be able to depend on you;
- be clear with them that no one deserves to be abused, and that violence of any kind is not acceptable; and
- let them know that you also have needs to have friends and to spend some time alone.
All parents should become familiar with signs of child abuse. Parents should seek help if their children have been abused or if they suspect abuse. Contact the local child welfare agency or seek advice at a family resource center. Even if children have not themselves been assaulted, children exposed to violence in the family may need help. Counseling and support for you and your children can help all of you deal with this difficult situation. You can find a comprehensive list of services at 211.org on the internet and if you call 211 from a telephone.
Remember that you have made positive choices for you and your children.Credit yourself for your courage and strength.
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